Turn 25, Accept It !!

yesterday was my birthday, but it didn't feel like that.. yesterday went by like any other day, I didn't feel some excitement in that.. why ? well, I don't know either..

so today I'm going to look back, eh wait, no no no, some people advice you to not looking back to your past right ? emm, should change the word look back to remember ? maybe ? but for me that two words have similar means, so.. whatever you named it !!

so today I'm going to look back to what had happened in 2016 or my 24th life.. there are too many ups and downs and happiness and sadness in my 24th life..

I was lucky and blessed to met someone I never expected.. someone who could understand and handled my emotion well.. someone who always be my side in every mood and condition I was.. someone who taught and guide me more about my religion.. someone who could I relied on.. someone who, yeah, I never expected.. the feeling I got was different from before, the feeling was new, like I never met that kind of guy in my entire life.. it was like new world to me.. but still, we argued to each other sometimes, like enemies.. we push and pull like a magnet do, said Ed Sheeran.. you know, we are two different peoples who grow up in two different families, cultures, and environments so whats in our mind are definitely different.. but the funny thing is the more we argue, the more we understand each other.. in my birthday, I wanna pray for us.. I pray Allah always bless and guide us for better life and grant what we want in His own way.. I pray we could be together in marriage till Jannah.. Aamiin..

beside my happiness, I faced some downs and sadness till I felt unable to survive.. my beloved Mom who I thought immune to anything, had to hospitalized in July.. the illness which for almost eight years she could handled, attacked her.. remember what her doctor said to us, "the family have to ready for the worst scenario, ikhlas". what's on your mind when someone say something like that ? blank.. I was not in my right mind at that moment.. I felt my world collapsed the time her doctor said that.. I was like "God, what did you do to my mom ?! Why ?!".. but I know, my Mom is strong, stronger than I am.. she could passed it even though has to do hemodialisa every week now.. every time back to Semarang, i always accompanying her to do hemodialisa, watch her right arm inserted by needle with tube to connect the blood vessel with hemodialisa machine.. so painful.. Mom, in my birthday, I wanna pray for you.. I pray Allah always bless and protect you, give you a healthy mind and body, and make you stronger than before.. Aamiin.. love you.. thank you for being strong to us, your family..

another sadness that I had to face in 2016 were losing my dear Grandma and cousin.. I told you that my Mom had to hospitalized in July, right ? in that month, my Grandma still could visited my Mom but after one or two weeks I got a news that she had to hospitalized too, the illness was radang paru-paru (if I'm not wrong).. day by day she didn't got better and after one week being hospitalized, I got a news that she had to leave us forever.. that day, I was enjoyed lunch when my Dad called me by phone and said that she is gone.. I didn't know what to do, only tears came down from my eyes.. "oh Grandma, why you have to leave us now ? why ? who are we going to visit at Lebaran days ? I'm not married yet, why couldn't you wait for that day ? don't you wanna know your grandchild's groom ? don't you wanna see my wedding ? my Mom is sick too, why you have to leave us now ? do you have a plan to take my Mom with you after this ? no ! don't !" that was what I thought that time.. not long after my Grandma leave us, my cousin that has nose cancer followed her.. my dear Grandma and cousin, in my birthday, I wanna pray for you.. I pray Allah forgive all your sins and accept all your kindness, and your way to Jannah become easy.. Aamiin..

2016 has been a rough year for me and my family.. happiness, sadness, madness come and go like a flu but I learn one thing from what I have been through in 2016, acceptance.. I know it's not easy to accept everything that happened in life but if you could accept it with patience, sincere, and pray, I believe you would become stronger than before.. remember that it's Allah ways to test and upgrade us.. in my birthday, I wanna pray for you all.. I pray Allah always guide us to accept what will happened in life with patience, sincere, and pray so we'll become stronger person than before.. may Allah always bless and protect us.. Aamiin..


*sorry for my bad english*

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Menahan Diri

Aku ingin menceritakan satu hal atau lebih tepatnya curhat mengenai satu sifatku..
Sebenarnya aku adalah orang yang ekspresif, ga bisa menahan diri dalam hal apapun..
Entah itu senang, sedih, marah, atau apalah pasti akan diungkapin..
Aku termasuk ke golongan orang yang ga ngerti kenapa hal semacam itu harus ditahan..
Kalo senang ya sebarkan kebahagiaanmu, kalo sedih ya nangis aja, kalo marah ya luapin aja, kalo ga suka ya ungkapin aja, ga perlu ditahan-tahan lah perasaan kayak gitu karena akan bikin stress sendiri..
Tapi ternyata hal ini berdampak buruk ke hubunganku dengan orang-orang sekitarku..
Beberapa orang bilang aku kekanakan, beberapa orang bilang aku emosian, beberapa orang bilang aku ga bisa ngejaga perasaan orang lain, beberapa orang.... ah capek lah ngedengerin apa kata orang..
Dan berakhir dengan renggangnya hubunganku dengan beberapa orang itu, salah satunya dengan pasanganku yang dulu..

Belajar dari pengalaman, sekarang aku sedang mencoba berusaha belajar untuk bisa menahan diriku..
Waktu senang diekspresikan sewajarnya aja, waktu kesel dipendam sambil elus-elus dada aja, waktu pengen complain disimpan di bibir aja..
Tau ga bagaimana rasanya ?
Menyesakkan hati sekalii.. susah sekalii, ga kuat banget untuk nahan dirinya, bikin sakit stress sendirii..
Itu enggak aku banget.. Aku jadi ngerasa bukan aku..

Sebenarnya aku hanya ingin lebih hati-hati sehingga aku menahan diriku seperti ini..
Tapi ternyata dengan menahan diri pun ga membuat semua jadi lebih baik..
Tapi kalo aku ga menahan diri nanti semua hilang..

Jadi aku harus gimana ? :(

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